1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

   Went on a real vacation to another country with friends (instead of just family).

   Spent the night at the office a few times.

   Had my first video shoot.

   Hosted a few 3.5 hour training sessions for clients all by myself.

   Fired someone.

   Attended traffic school.

   Ate Krystal’s Burgers.

   Mastered the art of the Rubik’s Cube.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   Last Year:

   I want to be able to run a mile non-stop. I haven’t been able to do that since 9th grade.

   Whoa. I didn’t remember saying that. I started out running and the end of last year, but since my office moved to West LA (taking away another 1.5 hours of my day), it’s hard to have energy to run by the time I get home.

   This year I want to work on two things:

   Eating Slower — I keep hearing the benefits of eating slowly, but mainly it’s the benefit of losing weight. This means drinking one big glass of water before every meal, and breaking my habit of pre-opening my ketchup/sauce packets, among other things.

   Making More Small Talk — Because I’m working, it’s easy to fall into the trap of only talking to my co-workers during the week. Not to knock on my co-workers or anything, but I need to be more social again. To start, I’ll work on making small talk with all the hot moms people I bump into in my building.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

   This year? Not that I can think of. But two more babies for the family are due next year though. Fuck! Means more birthday and christmas presents to pay for!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

   Nobody! Truly blessed this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

   Bahamas, Puerto Rico and some other islands in the Western Caribbean.

   

   

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

   I’d like to have my new online business up and running! It’s a lot of time, work and money on my part but my gut is telling me to do it.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   I suck at remember dates, but I’ll always remember:

   * my first all-nighter at the office

   * the Reunion Cruise

   * talking to my dad on the drive to Vegas for Thanksgiving

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   Definitly selling my basketball site. It was a big step for me, and the timing was just right for this point of my career.

9. What was your biggest failure?

   None. Wow, that’s a first!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

    Just the occasional sniffles I get when I eat something off the table.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

    My iPhone. I could walk around the house with no clothes on, but I won’t feel naked as long as I have my iPhone at hand.

    

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

    Clarissa, Lindsey, Mogley…got married!

    And Erol’s valiant effort in the Hairy Chest Contest:

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

    Finding out her mom is getting divorce…for the third time.

14. Where did most of your money go?

    Savings, like a good boy. And then the occasional splurge on things like my iPhone, Wii, Aeron and Ferrari. But after reading Rich Dad, Poor Dad, I’m definitely gonna be smarter with my money this upcoming year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

    Reunion Cruise!

    

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

    The Great Escape by Boys Like Girls

    September (Earth, Wind & Fire Cover) by Sisqo and Vitamin C

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    Happier or sadder?

    About the same. I definitely have a routine down these days. I love my job, so it’s all good.

    Thinner or fatter?

    Jollier. Had a hard time finding a good place to play ball after long working hours and commuting from LA.

    Richer or poorer?

    Richer. Feels good knowing it’s all my money too.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

    Chill Webb and Cal Poly friends more.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

    Less driving. My baby’s already got 19,000+ miles on her!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

    At Raynell’s with the whole family:

    

    

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

    Yep. Everytime I look at Shannon. Looking at her is like looking at myself naked in the mirror; the first thing I think of is “God damn, you are one fucking sexy bitch!”

22. How many one-night stands?

    

23. What was your favorite TV program?

    

    24. Watched all six seasons in two months.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

    Nope. It takes a LOT to make this prestigious list of mine, and so far only two people on it.

25. What was the best book you read?

    

    I love the first few chapters of The Google Story: “How the fuck are we gonna make money?” “I dunno.”

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

    Samir’s collection of old school 90’s dance and techno mixes.

27. What did you want and get?

    My Herman Miller Aeron chair:

    

    My Ferrari:

    

28. What did you want and not get?

    To see all the girls on the reunion cruise.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

    

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    Turned 25. Half-day at work, birthday cake, korean bbq with co-workers, and then Rainforest Cafe with Meliss.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

    Seeing all my homegirls.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

    The same ‘ol clothes, hahaha. I realized how expensive clothes are when I started paying for it with my own cash. Good thing my job has a nearly non-existant dress code so I can wear whatever the hell I want.

    Alan:

    What the fuck, you wear that Shark Week shit all the fucking time!

33. What kept you sane?

    Lunch breaks with Tracie and late nights with Meliss on AIM.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

    Started to have a thing for blondes this year:

    

    Carrie Underwood — grew a big appreciation for her after seeing her dressed down in her I’ll Stand By You video.

    Kristin Bell — kept hearing her name and finally saw her on Heroes.

    Elisha Cuthbert — couldn’t get enough of her when I went on my 24 marathon, and fell harder for her when I heard her on the radio. Cutest fucking laugh evar.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

    The RIAA continuing to ruin the music industry.

36. Who did you miss?

    Nadin. April. Tracie.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

    Becca cuz she’s kinda cool and easy on the eyes. And she bakes me some magical cookies.

    The rest of my co-workers are awesome too. It’s cool to be able to really let out my inner geek among other geeks.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:

    The client is always right, even when they’re wrong. They pay you to do shit for them, not to think for them.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

    Not a song lyric, but a piece written by Ralph Waldo Emerson (via Joyce’s blog):

    To laugh often and much.
    To win the respect of intelligent people,
    and the affection of children.
    To earn the appreciation of honest critics,
    and endure the betrayal of false friends.
    To appreciate beauty.
    To find the best in others.
    To leave the world a bit better,
    whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,
    or a redeemed social condition.
    To know even one life has breathed easier,
    because you have lived.
    That is to have succeeded.

Past Years Surveys

• 2003: It’s Been a Great Year »
• 2004: Mel’s Year in Review »
• 2005: How I Spent My Year 2005 »
• 2006: How I Spent My Year 2006 »

The last time I went on a cruise was over 10 years ago with my family. I was barely 15, not even close to the legal drinking age, even by international waters standards. Regardless, I had an absolutely amazing time. And ever since then, I had dreamed of going on a cruise with the UDH crew. Unlimited food. A whole lot of booze. Beautiful islands. All with my closest friends. What more could I ask for?

Although a bunch of people had to back out, a handful of guys were able to make it and make history.

(more…)

1. Taxes rape you so hard it’s not even funny.
2. It’s super easy to get your identity out there on the internet.
3. … but it’s damn near impossible to take it back.
4. It’s true: job searching is all about who you know.
5. Passion is everything.
6. Drinking with an alcoholic around balconies is a terrible idea.
7. Sugar is what makes you fat.
8. At some point, age becomes just a number. You’ll make friends with people much older or younger than yourself.
9. Graduation is the greatest day in your parents’ lives.
10. Pop music is terrible these days.
11. Never hold off on buying toilet paper.
12. You only get one chance at a good first impression.
13. Sometimes one chance is all you’ll get.
14. Always have an outlet for creativity.
15. You can never take too many pictures.
16. You can never write too many journals.
17. There’s a difference between lonely and desperate.
18. Your personal time becomes a more valuable commodity when you start working.
19. Clanking on a broken cellphone will not fix it.
20. Don’t download from Limewire; it’s dirtier than a Tijuana whore.
21. Karaoke is all about how much you drank.
22. Close all windowblinds when you walk around the house naked.
23. Buy more socks and less underwear.
24. Your car is worth more than some people’s annual salaries in other counrties.
25. Private (high) schools are ridiculously expensive; props to parents with several kids.
26. You cherish things more towards the end.
27. The Butterfly Effect is real.
28. Their little sisters grow up fast.
29. It’ll always be hard to say goodbye. Even to your hairstylist.
30. Always find closure. Always.
31. Buy a Tivo.
32. Some people just aren’t worth it.
33. Over-optimism is a painful flaw.
34. New Years and Birthdays get less exciting.
35. Sometimes the best solution is to just let things run its course.
36. After graduation, get used to seeing the exact same faces everyday.
37. People bullshit all the time in their resumes.
38. Sometimes the qualified ones just don’t have interview skills.
39. Relationships will only work if both sides are willing to put in the same amount of effort to make it work.
40. Christmas is all about the youngest generation in the family.
41. Pathetic people stab in the back.
42. Respectable people stab in the front.
43. They go straight to the buttsex in Brokeback Mountain without any foreplay or warning.
44. Always negotiate with car salesmen just a little before closing hours; they’ll get hella eager to make the sale so they can go home.
45. Cool people use Macs.
46. Wish “happy birthday” to your Myspace friends, or just delete them.
47. There are such things as ugly babies.
48. Some people are just not built for clubbing.
49. There’s a difference between ADD and lack of motivation.
50. You never truly taste success until you have tasted failure.
51. You’ll never fully appreciate a massage from a girl ’til you’ve been massaged by another dude.
52. Porn and farting will always be reliable conversation starters for men.

// idea from Scott the Nametag Guy.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?

   • Raging Waters!

     

   • Got my wisdom teeth pulled.
   • I finally made the Switch to Mac.
2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

   Last Year:

i guess my new years resolution is to have a real job by this time next year. we’ll see how that goes, haha.

I’m proud to say that yes, I did get a real job.

As for this year’s resolution…I want to be able to run a mile non-stop. I haven’t been able to do that since 9th grade.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
   • April H had Archer! »
   • Christa had Ceilidh! »
   • Ashley had Conner! »
   • Melissa had Rowan! »
4. Did anyone close to you die?

   Augustus Chang. Also Deniz, Paul Dick, Mahmoud’s mom, Russel’s mom.

5. What countries did you visit?

   • Philippines!!

     

   • Florida!! (which isn’t a country but it’s worthy to mention)

     

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

   A good balance of work, a social life and exercise.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

   Graduation!

   

   This was 24 years in the making. And despite all of the bumps in the road, I managed to pull it off.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

   See above.

9. What was your biggest failure?

   Not getting closure on the drama.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

    I am forever traumatized by The Massage in the Philippines.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

    My Tivo.



I’ll never go back to normal television again. Being able to do pause and instant replay on live television is one of the greatest things ever…especially when my mom starts talking to me during a movie.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    • Melissa got married! »
    • Lindsey got married! »
    • Sierra got married!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

    Crazy Legs and the balcony incident:



14. Where did most of your money go?

    That’s an easy one — food.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
    • Graduation
    • Sausage Fest: Florida
    • Shannon
    • Philippines
    • My new Mac
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
    • Time After Time by Quietdrive
    • Tu Amor by R.B.D
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    • Happier or sadder?

      I’m extremely happy with where I’m at in my life…but I need to learn to let go of some things.

    • Thinner or fatter?

      Carrying a wee bit of holiday weight since I haven’t found time for basketball after work.

    • Richer or poorer?

      More spoiled.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

    Visit friends after graduation.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

    Less thinking of things I should’ve said during the drama.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

    Rose’s again.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

    I absolutely fucking love my job! And my car! And the office hottie around the corner…

22. How many one-night stands?

    That one time in the Philippines…with a bakla named Edward.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
    • The Office
    • Nip/Tuck
    • the OC
    • Dawson’s Creek reruns. (Dawson’s Creek is only the second TV series that I’ve watched beginning-to-end. It’s one of the very few shows out there that you can tell was written from the heart.)
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

    Nope. I just hate the same person from last year.

25. What was the best book you read?

    The Last Season by Phil Jackson:

    

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

    I was born to do drunken karaoke!

    

27. What did you want and get?

    My Mac Setup:



My Diploma:



28. What did you want and not get?

    My Herman Miller Aeron.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

    

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

    Disneyland with April, Melissa, Johnny and Rose:

    

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

    A happy ending.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

    Freeballin’ all year ’round baaaaaaaby!

33. What kept you sane?

    Friends.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

    Jessica Alba:

    

    Katharine McPhee:

    

    Pam Beasley:

    

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

    I tend to ignore politics in general but two issues that really piss me off are:

    • Advocates against net neutrality.
    • And the RIAA
36. Who did you miss?

    Nadin. Tracie.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

    My coworkers.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:

    Passion is everything. Once you find your passion, do everything you can to keep it in your life, no matter how random or how far off the beaten path it seems. Your passion, whatever it is, will be your true north that you can always turn to when you feel lost. And who knows, maybe your passion will cross paths with a terrific opportunity in the future.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

    This isn’t a song lyric, but it’s something I can relate to. These are the closing words of Steve Jobs’ Commencement Speech at Stanford a couple years ago:

    When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalogue, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stuart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch.

    This was in the late Sixties, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form thirty-five years before Google came along.I was idealistic, overflowing with neat tools and great notions. Stuart and his team put out several issues of the The Whole Earth Catalogue, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue.

    It was the mid-Seventies and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath were the words, “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. “Stay hungry, stay foolish.” And I have always wished that for myself, and now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

    Stay hungry, stay foolish.

Past Years Surveys

• 2005: How I Spent My Year 2005 »
• 2004: Mel’s Year in Review »
• 2003: It’s Been a Great Year »

Okay, so I’m on vacation in the Philippines now. One of the greatest perks of being here is how cheap everything is. Like the past three meals I’ve had here have all been under $2 USD. And you know me when it comes to food. I’m just one happy fucking camper right now.

One thing I’ve been wanting to do to take advantage of the cheap cost of living is get pampered. That means getting a manicure, pedicure, foot scrub and countless massages. (Hey, P.Diddy gets manicures/pedicures…therefore it must be cool, right?) So on my first day here, my mom finds a small saloon in the mall called “David’s Saloon.” When I first hear the name, my first thought was “it must be owned by a bakla.”

So I tell my brothers that I’m going to meet up with Mom and Dad at the saloon. Michael replies with, “you know you’re just gonna end up getting a bakla.” I laugh it off but inside I’m mildly concerned.

So I get there and my parents already have a head start. I look around the room and make notice of the staff: two baklas, a bunch of older women, and a couple cute younger girls. I end up getting a girl who isn’t particularly attractive…but hey, it’s better than getting a bakla.

“+1 for Melvin,” I thought as I recall what Michael said earlier about me getting serviced by a bakla.

Before I start my manicure, I look at my fingernails in detail. “They look alright to me,” I thought to myself…with exception to the little piece of lumpia under one of my fingernail. “I don’t really think they can make my nails any prettier.”

I’m totally wrong though. She spent a good amount of time on each hand and I’m totally impressed with how detailed she is with her work.

Now onto my pedicure. This part of the pampering is what I’ve really been waiting for. I’ve been growing out my narsty toenails for the sole purpose of making my pedicurist work for her money. My feet are pretty worn out, considering how I’ve been playing basketball lately.

As she starts clipping my toenails, specifically my monstrous big toenail, I smile to myself. “That’s right, bitch…I’ve been saving that one for you all this time! Mwahahahahah!” I notice the “oh my god” look on her face when she got to that toenail…and smile in sinister fashion.

A bit later, she starts with my foot scrub. As she scrubs away with that mild sandpaper thing, I’m totally intrigued by how much callous skin she’s scrubbing off.

Sometime during the foot scrub, my mom blurts out to me, “Mel, how would you like a one-hour full body massage for 550 Pisos [$11 USD]?”

“Hell yeah!”

My manicure/pedicurist looks up to me and says, “you’re getting a full-massage too??”

Based on the expression on her face, I figure that she’s the one that’ll give me the massage. Inside I’m just a tiny bit disappointed because I was hoping for someone really attractive. I look around at the other female staff members and think to myself, “god I wish you would be rubbing me down.”

I’m a superficial piece of shit, I know…but God is about to teach me a lesson.

A few minutes later, my pedicure is officially done. Joy, my pedicurist, looks up at me and smiles…

Joy: Edward!!

Edward? What the fuck?

Edward: Come with me, sir.

Hmmm, I guess he’s like a host at a restaurant…

Edward: This is your room, sir.
Mel: Thanks.
Edward: Please, take off and I’ll be right back.
Mel: …you mean take off my clothes?
Edward: Yes sir.

“But Mr. Edward, normally I like to get to know a person before I let them see me naked.”

Whoa Melvin, wait a minute…this is no time for gay jokes. Not even the unspoken ones.

Mel: I should take off everything?
Edward: Just your shorts and shirt, sir.

FUCK. Bad day to not wear underwear…

Mel: Well, I’ll be wearing a towel, right?
Edward: Yes sir, I’ll get your towel right now.

Phew…at least I have a towel…

Edward comes back and throws me a couple towels.

Edward: They’re a little small. I hope you don’t mind.
Edward: *smiles then closes the door*

I unfold the towels. They’re definitely small….small because they’re fucking handtowels! Are you fucking kidding me??!

I take off my clothes and attempt to wrap the towels around my waist.

Nope. Too small. Waaaaay to fucking small. Then Edward comes back in:

Edward: Are the towels okay?
Mel: Ummm…I’m just gonna wear my shorts.
Edward: Okay…

I sense a little disappointment from his voice…but too fucking bad! I need my gay barrier, even if it’s just a thin sheet of cotton. I don’t consider myself as a major homophobe but come on, you gotta draw the line somewhere. I’m about to be rub down with lotion by a gay filipino man…but it’s okay because I still got my shorts.

So I lie on my stomach and gay buttsex massage begins. Edward kicks it off by squirting lotion all over my back.

Disgusting.

My immediate thoughts are the climax scenes in pornos when the guy finally busts. I close my eyes in shame and disgust.

Edward pulls down my shorts a couple inches to expose the top part of my ass and then proceeds to rub me down with lotion, starting at my lower back. The fact that my ass crack is showing is kinda awkward but I get over it. (I’m mean come on, how sexy can an ass crack be? Especially my ass crack.) I just turn up my iPod, close my eyes and think of Jenny McCarthy.

Some time passes by and Edward has thoroughly gone through my back, shoulders, neck, arms, hands and feet. Up next is my legs…and this is where things get…(sigh) interesting…

He starts off with my calves and works his way up. He hikes up my shorts a bit so he can access the upper half. My awkwardness meter steadily rises and then skyrockets when he rubs the bottom part of my ass cheeks.

You know how on TV you see skanky girls wearing their hoochie boy shorts that expose the lower part of their ass cheeks? Yeah, that part. He totally got a good feel of that.

Each time he moves up, he hikes up my shorts just a bit more. Thankfully, he stops before either of my balls start popping out.

But just when I think they gayness is over, Edward starts doing this spanking/slapping thing. He smacks me in my calves, back of my legs…and then he gives me a couple really good smacks on my ass.

So. Fucking. Degrading.

I close my eyes in shame as my face plows into the pillow. In the back of my mind I’m wondering if he’s smiling.

I pray that is the worst of it…but it’s not.

A moment later I find myself lying on my back. He starts out doing more of my feet and calves, so it’s all good. I make a consious effort not to make any eye contact because I don’t want us to “have a moment.”

He starts working his way up my thigh. Higher. And higher. Every inch he moves up, my balls recede more and more.

I recall the many stories I’ve heard about this kinda moment, where the thigh massaging leads to an accidental touching of the balls, which of course leads to a little bow chicka bow wow. But each time I’ve heard one of these amateur porn stories, the masseuse is a gorgeous asian girl and the sex is all sorts of amazing…my situation on the other hand involves a filipino gay named Edward who just spanked my ass and is half-an-inch away from making me Brokeback Melvin.

I close my eyes and tell myself, “it’s only gay if he touches my balls. It’s only gay if he touches my balls. Please don’t touch my balls. Please don’t touch my balls. Please don’t touch my balls!!”

This is the only thing I can think of. Nothing else in this world matters to me now. I don’t care about my new car. I don’t care about all the great food here in the Philippines. I don’t care about Britney’s sex tape…the only thing that matters to me is this very moment, right here, right now, and whether or not there is any physical contact between my manhood and Edward’s lubricated hands.

It’s finally here. The moment of truth. His hands can’t possibly get any closer and my balls can’t recede any higher…

Edward: All finished, Mr. Melvin.

He didn’t touch my balls! He didn’t touch my balls!! Thank God Almighty, he didn’t touch my balls!!!!!I sigh in relief as my balls descend to normal. I shed a tear of joy and another tear of shame. I count my blessings from above yet I curse at the world, all at the same time. That very small yet very, very precious piece of dignity I have left is totally shaken…but still somewhat intact.

What can I say? My life is just a bad porno with the most traumatic sexual encounters ever. The worst part about this whole experience is the fact that I only have myself to blame — all I had to do was say, “no” from the very beginning. I think it’s my passive, over-optimistic nature that allows me to get into this kinda mess.

Ah well. At least my nails look nice now.