Coming Full Circle

Back in the day, I used to be super private about my personal life. No matter how hurt or how angry I was, I kept it all inside. I felt like it was the honorable thing to do.

But then I realized how much that shit would just eat me from the inside. That little fire in me would grow bigger and the point where it'd just take one wrong push of a button and I would unleash everything on one unlucky person.

I couldn't take it anymore.

So I started to open up. A lot more. I'd blast all my business on my blog. Passive aggressive posts, left and right. Some posts even calling people out, straight up. It didn't matter how outrageous or irrational I was feeling; I was hurt, I was angry, and I wanted to let the whole fucking world know it. So I did.

But then I realized that venting publicly never solved anything. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares for a pity party. It only caused more drama for others and it'd always eventually come back to me.

So then I started to confide in my close friends. I'd tell them everything. I trusted them, wholeheartedly. They were my closest friends and they were always looking out for me.

But then I realized how much friends gossip. Even the close ones. I learned that telling them, "please don't tell anyone" apparently means, "okay, tell your close friends everything that I'm about to tell you, but tell them not to tell anyone."

I learned how fast and how dangerous the gossip train can get. In my most vulnerable times, when all I was doing was clawing and reaching for guidance and stability, I inadvertently became the source of gossip and ended up hurting people I still cared about. (You know who you are, and I'm so fucking sorry I hurt you.)

So now everything has come full circle. I've learned that I can't trust people. I've learned that I can't just scream at the world and blast shit on the internet. I've learned that if I'm going down, I can't just take other people down with me. I've learned to keep my private life private.

I let shit eat me on the inside. I fight my own battles now. I struggle with my own demons. Constantly. Because at the end of the day, it's the honorable thing to do, and the only person that will ever truly be around for me