Coming Full Circle

Back in the day, I used to be super private about my personal life. No matter how hurt or how angry I was, I kept it all inside. I felt like it was the honorable thing to do.

But then I realized how much that shit would just eat me from the inside. That little fire in me would grow bigger and the point where it'd just take one wrong push of a button and I would unleash everything on one unlucky person.

I couldn't take it anymore.

So I started to open up. A lot more. I'd blast all my business on my blog. Passive aggressive posts, left and right. Some posts even calling people out, straight up. It didn't matter how outrageous or irrational I was feeling; I was hurt, I was angry, and I wanted to let the whole fucking world know it. So I did.

But then I realized that venting publicly never solved anything. Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares for a pity party. It only caused more drama for others and it'd always eventually come back to me.

So then I started to confide in my close friends. I'd tell them everything. I trusted them, wholeheartedly. They were my closest friends and they were always looking out for me.

But then I realized how much friends gossip. Even the close ones. I learned that telling them, "please don't tell anyone" apparently means, "okay, tell your close friends everything that I'm about to tell you, but tell them not to tell anyone."

I learned how fast and how dangerous the gossip train can get. In my most vulnerable times, when all I was doing was clawing and reaching for guidance and stability, I inadvertently became the source of gossip and ended up hurting people I still cared about. (You know who you are, and I'm so fucking sorry I hurt you.)

So now everything has come full circle. I've learned that I can't trust people. I've learned that I can't just scream at the world and blast shit on the internet. I've learned that if I'm going down, I can't just take other people down with me. I've learned to keep my private life private.

I let shit eat me on the inside. I fight my own battles now. I struggle with my own demons. Constantly. Because at the end of the day, it's the honorable thing to do, and the only person that will ever truly be around for me

Holy shit. I think I'm dyslexic...

My mom, as far back as I can remember, has ALWAYS mixed up my name with my brothers. ALL THE TIME. "Michael. I mean, Mark! I mean, Melvin!" Seriously, ALL THE TIME. I kinda just got used to it and got desensitized to it.

Yesterday, my mom did the same thing...but this time, I jokingly thought to myself, "What if she has dyslexia or something?"

I didn't really know much about dyslexia to being with. As far as I knew, it was a thing that caused people to mispell words frequently. But as I read through a fat list of symptoms, it just hit me.

"Holy. shit. This is totally me..."

Here are some of the symptoms that are all too familiar:

  • Thrives in careers where visual-spatial/kinesthetic talents can be realized: For example - Entrepreneurs, Engineers, Trades (carpentry, plumbing, electrical), Artisans, Interior Decorating, Actors, Musicians, Police/Investigation, Athletes, and Business Executives (usually with staff/assistants).

  • May pass up promotions or advancement opportunities that would require more administrative work.

  • Has difficulty focusing and staying on task - may feel more comfortable managing many different tasks simultaneously.

  • Difficulty with tests - passing standardized tests can be a barrier to career advancement.

  • Out-of-the-box thinker or operates with very strict rules for themselves.

  • Learns best through hands-on experience, demonstrations, experimentation, observation, and visual aids.

  • May be able to sense emotions and energy of others.

  • Remembers struggling in school.

  • Misspeaks, misuses, or mispronounces words without realizing it.

  • May have excellent recall of events that were experienced or not remember at all.

  • May confuse past conversations or be accused of "not listening."

  • Difficulty remembering names of people without tricks, but remembers faces.

  • Difficulty remembering verbal instructions or directions.

  • Poor recall of conversations or sequence of events.

  • Avoids reading out loud. May dislike public speaking.

  • Will commonly perceive that they "read better silently."

  • Has adopted compensatory tricks to remember spelling and homonyms (their, there, they're), or misuses homonyms and has poor or inconsistent/phonetic spelling.

  • Reading fluency and comprehension fluctuates depending upon subject matter.

  • Frequently has to re-read sentences in order to comprehend.

  • Fatigues or becomes bored quickly while reading.

  • Reliance on others (assistants, spouses, significant others) for written correspondence.

  • Uncertainty with words, punctuation, and spelling when writing. Reliance on spell-check and grammar-check.

  • Poor handwriting.

  • Relies on calculators or finger counting. May have difficulty with making change.

  • Difficulty with left/right and/or North, South, East, West.

  • Gets lost easily or never forgets a place they've been.

  • Difficulty reading maps.

  • May have anxiety or stress when driving in unfamiliar places. Relies on others to drive when possible.

  • May lose track of time and is frequently late - or is highly aware of it and is very rarely late.

  • Finds it difficult to estimate how long a task will take to complete.

  • Self-conscious when speaking in a group. May have difficulty getting thoughts out - pause frequently, speak in halting phrases, or leave sentences incomplete. This may worsen with stress or distraction.

  • Sticks to what they know - fear of new tasks or any situation where they are out of comfort zone.

  • Confusion, stress, physical health issues, time pressure, and fatigue will significantly increase symptoms.

UPDATE: Found a few more symptoms from Quora:

I make mistakes when copying down numbers, especially addresses and account numbers. When I write down an important number I have to check very carefully two or three times to see that I copied it correctly. Often, I have switched a few numbers without realizing it. Several times, I have knocked on a stranger's door because I copied an address down wrong.

I struggle with paying restaurant bills and figuring out tip, and how much change I should get. If my bill is 24 dollars, and I want to add a tip, and I am paying with a 50, I can't for the life of me figure out how much money to get back. It feels like there's a wall between myself and the answer. Mental math is almost impossible.

I get confused by pronouns when speaking. If I'm telling a story that involves a lot of "he said to her that she told him that she wanted..." I will get very confused. It feels like the story is getting away from me. Sometimes I struggle to express myself verbally. all makes so much sense now. All of my deepest insecurities stem from these very things...

It totally explains why I have NEVER been able to comprehend fictional books. Why I've always HATED reading aloud. Why even with a GPS, I'll still get lost in LA.

Why I'm so shy around big groups of people. Why I avoid confrontation like the plague. Why I remember names, dates, and outfits so well but I can't remember names for the life of me. Why I repeat the same questions or tell the same stories over and over.

Why I can never come up with the right words to say when I'm put on the spot. Why I rely on texting/chatting/emailing over talking on the phone or in person. Why I frequently ask people to repeat themselves. Why I suck at expressing myself verbally and compensate by being a perfectionist writer. Why I always get called out for saying "nutterbutt squash" or "California Pizza Chicken."

Why I frequently mess up my own signature. Why I have never been able to keep track of the score when watching or playing basketball. Why I can never remember if I've closed the garage door or not and had to drive back home to make sure.

All those times when people have given me shit for doing any of the above...all those countless times I've unintentionally hurt people because I was a poor listener...all those times I've wondered why I am so damn introverted...

This is why.

(I need to get tested and find out for sure.)


I wish I could say that everything from my past has made me a better person instead of a bitter one.

But I can't.

I don't know how to trust anymore. The times I stepped up to do the right thing are the times that I got burned. I've learned from my mistakes but the bitterness is still too much.

I push people away. I keep everyone at a safe distance. I'm too damn scared to let anyone close enough to hurt me again.

It's not the right way to live"¦but it's the only way I know right now.

My Eight Stages of Hunger

When I can't figure out what to eat, I"¦

  1. look at my list of 50 favorite nearby restaurants

  2. look at restaurant websites

  3. instant message my friends and ask what they've eaten today

  4. text message my friends to see what they've eaten today

  5. scroll through Instagram for food porn

  6. scroll through my own food porn

  7. turn on the TV and eat at the first food commercial that pops up

  8. lie down and think about food until I either decide on something or I pass out.

That's totally normal, right? lol

Love & Honor

"Talking." Courting. Dating. Becoming official. Moving in. Relationship-defining fights. The blessing of her parents. Proposal. Marriage.

I always believed that the whole journey should be honorable.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned like that.

But I'm slowly opening up to the idea that maybe love doesn't have to follow that script to be honorable.

Sometimes a woman's love overlaps two men for a while before finally committing to the right one.

Sometimes the right one started off as a rebound.

Sometimes two people are right for each other even though some closest friends/family say it's wrong.

Sometimes the right one once dated a close friend.

Sometimes two people falling in love means someone on the outside has to get hurt.

Maybe when it comes to love, the only honor that's needed is two people that are meant for each other, finally finding each other.

And nothing else matters.

Why Do I Try?

I've always believed that if I always treat people the way I want to be treated, good things will happen to me.

That working hard and being kind will take me places.

That what goes around, comes around.

That all the times I've gotten burned is just me paying my dues, and later in life I will be rewarded for my selflessness. For my compassion. For my internal desire to want to make my mark on this world by leaving it a little more beautiful than I found it.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe the only way to get what I really want is to be selfish. To take what I want. To not prioritize anyone or anything else but myself and what I want.

But I don't want that. I don't want to believe that.

I can't explain why it is so deeply entrenched in me to always want to do the right thing, when my biggest losses in the past have proven that I will be just be taken advantage of.

Maybe I'm just being blind. Stupid. Naive. Ignorant. I don't know"¦

But I'll keep trying.

There has to be something good for me out there. Something that'll make everything in the past worthwhile.

At least I hope so.

Top 10 Ways to Win My Heart

  1. Keep your promises.
  2. Break me out of my introverted shell. Inspire me to step out of my comfort zone.
  3. Know when to be patient with me and give me space when I need it.
  4. Know when to be blunt and push me harder. Remind me you're pushing me harder because you want what is best for me.
  5. Understand that I have an emotional breaking point where my ugly side comes out. And don't judge me for my tendency to hold grudges against people that hurt me to that breaking point.
  6. Stick up for me and/or give me the benefit of the doubt when you hear shit about me, and then ask for my side of the story.
  7. If you hurt me, you apologize through actions, not just words (or text message).
  8. Inspire me to be a better person, especially when I'm struggling.
  9. Random acts of kindness. Surprise me with sincerity. Show me that our relationship isn't dependent on me initiating everything.
  10. Be straight up with me. No secrets. No lies. Understand that I might get upset at first, but in the long run it will strengthen my trust and respect in you.