// here's a copy of the speech i gave today for public speaking. enjoy!!
I have a friend who is a bigtime pothead. When you hang out with someone like that, you tend to have some of the wierdest conversations. Like one random night, as we were enjoying our carne asada burritos from Albertos, he had a stoner epiphany:
Stoner Epiphany:
What if we lived in a world where everyone wanted to be fat? ...where it was cool to be obese? What if you turned the channel to Real World and instead of finding guys with rock hard pecs and chiseled Abercrombie abs, they're running around with flabby guts and saggy manbreasts?!
If this was the case, then the hottest pitch in marketing wouldn't be How to Lose Weight Fast. Rather, it would be How to Gain Weight Fast.
Playing along with this idea, I did a little research as well as looked at some of my own personal experiences. This is what I came up with:
The key to gaining weight fast is influencing the stomach to get hungry and the mind to get cravings.
Today I am going to give you some tips on how to stimulate both of these.
First I'll start out with tips on influencing the stomach to get hungry.
Every meal is a race.
Your stomach, mouth and brain are all connected and it takes 20 minutes of chewing before your stomach tells your brain that you are full. With that in mind, your goal is to eat as much as you can, as fast as you can in those 20 minutes, before you brain has a chance to tell you you're full. As an added bonus, try minimizing chewing as much as possible to further deceive your brain.
Skip meals.
The first meal of the day is the meal what jump starts your metabolism. Also, eating constantly throughout the day keeps your metabolism high. If you're trying to gain weight fast, you do not want that. Instead of eating three square meals a day, try combining all three meals into one huge, massive mega-meal. Doing so will keep your metabolism down since it takes a lot of time for your stomach to digest all of the food. Also, hunger will be at an all-time high because you had the whole day to build it up.
Multitasking.
Try eating ice cream straight out of the carton while watching TV. Or try eating a bag of chips while doing homework. Or try eating a box of Krispy Kremes while driving to school. Your stomach might be full or you might not even be hungry, but multitasking will distract you from paying attention to exactly how much you are eating.
Smoke Marijuana.
Marijuana contains a chemical called THC. THC has an affect on the pituitary gland, which is the gland that regulates the hormone for hunger.
My stoner friend once described to me that when he's high, food doesn't just taste good: it feels good. He described it, and I quote, "its like a party in your mouth and everyone's invited." Basically when you're high, food feels so good that you just don't want to stop.
While it is your stomach signals hunger, it is your brain that controls your cravings. Here's a few mental tricks you can use to stimulate cravings.
Be an emotional eater.
Eat when you are happy and you want to celebrate. Eat when you are feeling down and you need something to brighten your day. Eating during emotional periods will help you build a strong, psychological association between food and your feelings.
Find inspiration...like Takeru Kobayashi.
Back in Japan he's nicknamed The Tsunami. Here in the states he is simply known as The Asian Dude that eats over 50 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Some of you might have heard of him. He is the 4-Time International Hot Dog Eating Champion here in the US. Also in his list of achievements is eating 17.7 lbs of cow brains which he accomplished to win the first ever nationally-televised Glutton Bowl on ABC. Although he is not fat, his eating abilities is truly something to admire.
All or nothing mentality.
When you are struggling at finishing your food, remind yourself that you are not a quitter. You are a winner. You came here to conquer. Food is your business. You eat like there is no tomorrow. You eat like there is no such thing as leftovers.
Special Occassions.
Holidays are great reasons to eat a lot. You have the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, honey glazed ham, a plump juicy pot roast"¦holidays are just a perfect time to celebrate and indulge.
And its not just holidays: its all special occasions. For example, when friends are in town visiting, you absolutely MUST show them all of your favorite places to eat and share the wonderful eating experience with them.
Now that you know some of the mental and physical tricks to assist weight gain, here's a short list of some extra tips based on my own personal experiences.
Condiments.
Because you'll be eating so fast, you rarely will have enough time to appreciate the taste of your food. This is where condiments come in. Add lots of it. Tons of it. Oodles. Your food will have more flavor, not to mention it will add extra precious calories to your meal.
Intimidation.
When eating out with other people, beat them to finish line and then taunt them. Stare at their food deeply and intently. Breathe heavily for added effect. They'll eventually cave in to your psychological games and give you the rest of their food. Trust me, it works...I do it all the freakin' time.
Slim Fast.
Slim fast is bad...but Slim fast with ice cream is really good.
Fruits and vegetables.
Forget it. Waste of space, not enough calories.
Happy hour.
Many sit-down restaurants have some sort of happy hour special. But I'm not talking about the drinks, I'm talking about the half-off appetizers. Why buy one appetizer for half the price when you can buy 4 for just twice the price??
Wear stretchy pants.
A tight waist line can greatly restrict your eating potential. Drawstrings, resizable belts and elastic waistbands are highly recommended. I you don't have such clothes, you can always just unbutton your pants to allow more room for your gut to hang out. Just be sure to button them back up when you leave the table.
Lastly, grab a partner.
Find an eating buddy that can eat just as much as you. Someone that'll push you, motivate you and spot you during your eating sessions. And if you're lucky enough to find a boyfriend or girlfriend that can eat as much as you, they're a KEEPER.
So there you have it, a little insight in what stimulates hunger & cravings, as well as 15 tips that you can easily implement into your daily life. Just follow these tips and you'll be rocking that saggy gut in no time!! Thank you.
summer's been treatin' me great. my three classes (public speaking, us history, bio lab) are all realy laid back. with the exception of monday, i'm done with class by 12 noon. and of course, no class on friday.
afternoons are typically spent at the swimming pool, followed by deep discussions with the guys on where we should eat that night, haha.
thursdays/fridays = beach day.
saturday & sunday is kicking it with family and watching a butt load of dvds from blockbuster online. phoebe usually swings by after work to kick it too. (she's a miller girl that does promotion for the beer. her job is basically dressing slutty and getting hit on by random ugly dudes @ the mexican market. ) i wonder what my mom first thought of her when they first met; filipino parents are really conservative so for all i know, my mom probably thought i brought home a prostitute.
anyways, i just got out of my first formal speech for public speaking. it actually went pretty well. one thing thats wierd is how quiet the class is. i could see that everyone was smiling and actually paying attention to my speech, but it was hard to get a loud laugh out of 'em. like, if i was having sex with my class, they'd pretty much just be lying there with a smile on their face.
its just hard to figure out how well you did when you don't get that much feedback, you know? but i think i did well because after my speech he was like "okay lauren, you're up next....try to top that..."
i'll post my speech later today.
alrighty, that's all for now. i'm hungry and sleep deprived. here's some random shit for ya though...
randoms
my definition of "tease" - ice cream trucks that drive fast.
maxed out my ipod. i need to get a new one.
karaoke revolution =
mel's movie ratings
batman begins, mr. & mrs. smith, wedding crashers, hostage, fantastic four, electra, coach carter =
eternal sunshine of a spotless mind =
primer, in good company =
post impact =
songs of the moment
poison - nothing but a good time
jasmine trias - if i ever see heaven again
morozov - fly guitar. // such a bad ass trance/break song!!
you really scared me today. i get to the swimming pool with phoebe and karen with the plan to just swim around and relax on a beautiful sunday evening. all i wanted to do was just chill but instead i had to put up with your wierd ass.
first of all, how the fuck did you get into the pool area? this place is for college kids.
secondly, we really don't care about your weak ass cannon balls. those weren't even cannon balls!!! you were just jumping into the pool for christ's sake!! hell, you weren't even jumping!! you were just standing close to the edge talking to yourself until your clumsy ass lost balance and fell into the pool. phoebe, karen and i were talking amongst ourselves and then you had to keep interrupting us to announce your weaksauce "cannon ball." and then after the SEVENTH DAMN TIME, we tried ignoring you...and then you threw a fucking hissy fit!!!
thirdly, why must you stare into my eyes like that? why must you make grunting noises while you stare into my eyes like that?? why must you look all creepy as you slowly mouth the words "come here..." and chase me around the pool while making grunting noises and staring into my eyes like that???!
and then when you finally cornered and caught me, you jumped onto me, tightly wrapping your arms and legs around me and absolutely refusing to let me go for 5 eternally long minutes!!!
the only reason why i was playing along was because your mom was there. you might've thought that i was playfully swimming away from you in this twisted game of cat-and-mouse....but really i was swimming away from you for dear life...
well kid, wherever you are, i hope you got what you wanted...cuz that's the last time you'll ever be within 100 feet of me.
alright dude, wtf. every night when i'm working on whatever the hell i'm working on, out of nowhere i hear spanking noises. these are some pretty damn loud spanking noises too, which obviously means this is some hardcore spankage.
so i sit in my room, with my door wide open as it always is, expecting your gf to start giggling as if you guys were just playfully wrestling in the living room or something. but instead of hearing laughter...
Noises
i look outside my door. i notice the tv is not on, the living room is empty, your bedroom closed and your lights are off.
jesus man, you're killing her in there!! and no fucking shame either...not even an attempt to muffle her.
and then it gets louder...
Noises
and then just when i thought i've had enough, the loud spanks all of a sudden sound like thunderous "plops..."
Louder noises
and then...
You: aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
YUCK, MAN!!! you're already putting me through enough...and then to top it off, i have to hear the most disgusting thing that a straight man could ever hear in his life -- another dude's sex grunts at climax....
aight, that's the 4th time in the past few days, dude. i mean, i'm all happy for you that you're getting a good amount of sex and all....but come on mang, i'm trying to fucking study!!!!
i've been living with you for the past year and i know that you two have been fucking around this whole time -- you asked me if i had an extra condom like the first week we moved in -- but it wasn't until recently that i could hear your little sexcapades from you bedroom....WITH YOUR DOOR CLOSED AND MY MUSIC ON.
my guess is that you're doing some kinda new position or something. whatever it is you're doing....bravo, my man. bravo. just try to take it down a couple notches, yeah?? thanks.
aight champ, its getting late and i still gotta finish my lab report. goodnight.
you know that thing where no matter how you hold a dollar bill, george washington's eyes will always be looking back at you?? and it doesn't just apply to dollar bills; its also paintings like the mona lisa and celebrities on magazine covers.
my roommate leaves magazines on top of the toilet. every morning when i go to the bathroom to fire my morning wood, i have to deal with that kinda thing. just look!!
look!! he's staring at me while i take a piss. he's giving me the "sexy" eyes as i stand there with my pants down and i'm aiming my penis...
at one point in your life you're gonna be in this situation...you're sitting face-to-face, having a serious conversation...with a dude that has a really really bad lazy eye.
okay, we all know how eye contact is important to active listening...but wtf are you supposed to do when the person's eyes are going this way and that?? are you supposed to look solely at their "good" eye? should you not make eye contact? do you try to position yourself into the line of vision of their wandering eye???
seriously, what if this dude is a cop. the last thing you want to do is mock the guy...
i'm sorry but my attention span is too short for this kinda situation. yeah i know i really should be listening...but i can't help yelling to myself in my head "are you looking at me?? are you looking at me???!"
