You never really know someone. You never really know what goes on inside one's head. You might know 'em...but you may never "know 'em" know 'em. The guy you passed by this morning on the way to class, what are all of his secrets?

The girl that sat next to you in the Union, minding her own business while you killed some time listening to your iPod mini on your 40 minute break between your classes...what about her? Sure, she was looking over her notes, flipping that mechanical pencil of hers between those fingers of hers...but really, what was going on her mind?

What about that guy on your buddylist. The guy that updates his away message with something completely random every moment he has the chance to...and changes his AIM Profile so damn often that you have to check on him because you don't want to miss out whatever perverted/cool/funky/funny thing that he found on the internet. So what about this guy? Do you know him? Do you really know him?

Sure you do. He's the guy that's always smiling. Always laughing. Always jolly. He's the guy that loves to make people smile and will do anything to do so. He's the guy that'll go on late night food runs to jack in the crack for his buddies in the dorms...or go on a shopping trip to all the nearby malls with the girls. Sure you know him. You know him real well.

Or maybe you have no idea.

Maybe underneath all of that there's a lot of confusion, pain & loneliness that he's hiding. Maybe he's realizing that life ain't a box of chocolates. Life never has a "happily ever after." Life just ain't fair.

Maybe a month ago he went to a drive-through ATM and found someone's bank card still in the machine, asking if you wanted another transaction. Instead of stealing all the money on the account, he took out the card, gave it to the first available bank teller and reported the card as "lost." Maybe he did it in the goodness of his heart. Maybe he did it because he strongly believes in "what goes around, comes around." Maybe one week later he leaves his bag downstairs of the Dining Commons, along with 40 other bags, only to come back 20 minutes later to find it stolen, along with his brand new books, cell phone and keys.

Maybe he's trying real hard to be optimistic...to look at the things he has as opposed to the things he doesn't. Maybe that's how he normally lives his life. But when everyone around him has found happiness in another, it just becomes a painful reminder of how lonely he is...and the fact that nobody knows.

Maybe its becoming painfully harder and harder each day. Maybe he goes over to this one girl's place down the hall to just to talk...only to find her talking to her new boyfriend. Maybe he gets bored and tries to talk to his friends online, only to find their away messages up saying "dinner with ____" and "phone with my baby." Maybe he tries to take his mind off everything by doing some work in his room, only to have his roommate and his girlfriend come in and start their little "puppy talk." Maybe he tries to mind his own business and watch tv, only to have a girl call him and ask for guy advice on her crush from MHR class.

Maybe he's so desperate for attention that he takes his once-a-crush-but-now-just-a-friend out for a bite to eat just so that for one moment...one tiny moment...he can feel like he's the only man in someone's life. Maybe he jokes around with her of how people just assume that they are boyfriend-girlfriend...when secretly he feels the slightest bit of satisfaction because for just once in his life he can walk around pretending to the world, "Yeah, she's with me." Maybe this helps him deal with the pain...maybe it makes it worse.

Maybe he's been wanting to vent out his frustrations to his favorite venting buddy since she is the one that can make him smile even in the saddest of times. After all, she's been there before and she knows exactly how it feels to be left out. But maybe she's found someone that makes her happy now, and the very last thing he wants to do is dump his negative energy on her and intrude on her newfound happiness.

Maybe that's how he is...maybe he cares more about the people around him than he cares about himself. He willingly tries to alleviate all of the negativity in his friends but never intends on venting his own negativity back. Maybe he'd feel guilty doing so...and maybe this is the kinda thing that's slowly killing him inside.

Maybe the loneliness is hopeless romance. Maybe its envy. Maybe its jealousy. Or maybe its just the yearning to feel important...to feel that he was put on this earth for a reason. Maybe its just the need to feel appreciated and to know that someone else out there actually gives a damn. Maybe all of this is just attention whoring. Or maybe its the feeling that his efforts have gone unnoticed, thus, unreciprocated. Maybe this all of these words are meaningless...something posted on the internet and passed around from xanga to xanga, email to email, messageboard to messageboard.

Or maybe this is me, Mel Tajon, and these are all of my confessions.

Do you want PERFECTION?

I'm sorry, Dad, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT.

My brothers can drink BUT I CAN'T??

All the uncles can drink BUT I CAN'T??

You don't want me to drink at home??

You don't want me to drink outside??

You don't want me to drink at all??

I'M 22 AND I CAN'T MAKE THAT DECISION ON MY OWN???

I'm not allowed to have a few drinks with my friends??

Do you not want me to have friends at all??

Do you want me to give up my friends??

What do you want from me, Dad??

Do you want PERFECTION???

I'm sorry, Dad, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT.

I try so damn hard to make you proud

But all you do is PUT ME DOWN.

NOT ONCE HAVE YOU EVER PICKED ME UP.

NOT ONCE.

YOU WATCH ME FALL AND YOU LEAVE ME THERE.

SOMETIMES THE GLASS IS ALMOST FULL

BUT ALL YOU SEE IS THE TINY BIT OF EMPTINESS

What do you want from me, Dad??

Do you want PERFECTION???

I'm sorry, Dad, BUT I CAN'T GIVE YOU THAT.

Do you even love me, Dad??

Do you??

Cuz you have a funny way of showing it...

by not showing it at all.

When I was younger, I promised myself that one day I would make you proud.

Maybe I should devote my life to PROVING YOU WRONG.

I AM NOT A FUCKING KID ANYMORE.

WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BE ME???

THIS IS WHO I AM. THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO BE.

I'M SORRY IF THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

You only see my faults.

You only see my mistakes.

You blow things out of proportion to make me feel GUILTY.

For once in your life, Dad, just for one moment

Show me that you love me.

Give me a little praise, Dad.

Have a little faith in me, Dad.

Believe in me, for once in your life, Dad.

That's all I ask.

Thursday, May 8, 2003

its days like these when i actually learn a lot from class. today a guest speaker came into our business management class and talked about his journey up the "corporate ladder." he's a cal poly alumn...but it took him 9 years to graduate. kinda makes me feel good cuz i'm probably lookin' at a 7 year plan myself. anyways, he talked about how he moved from wisconsin to LA in hopes of being a rock star...but he didn't make it in that so he turned to little jobs like sweeping at K-Mart...kept working at it...and now he's making $300 grand a year as CEO of a brokerage firm.

one tip he told us was "pick your enemies carefully...cuz you don't want an enemy that can beat you...you want an enemy that you can squash like a bug."

another tip he told us was, as shitty as it sounds, there is no real such thing as "fairness" in business...all it comes down to is how productive you are and how much money your company is making because of you.

he also made a big deal on how you can never be overdressed for an interview. "if you can spend $1,500 on a really nice suit...get it. if you can get a $500 tie...get it too. image is everything in the corporate world."

after 1.5 hours of speaking, the theme that was prevalent throughout his lecture was how when you start out at the bottom, be good to everyone and karma will pay you back. for example, whenever he finished a big project he'd give all of the credit to his co-workers and none to himself. even though he made the effort to make his co-workers look better, everyone knew that he was the one in charge and he deserved a lot of the credit. he modesty and generosity paid off and now he's a CEO banking in $300K a year.

Friday, April 4, 2003

the past week i've learned a lot about myself. my econ professor, mr. martinez started off the quarter by telling us how he used to be a major fuckup in his college days. that was a shame because he was really smart in high school and junior high. his first year of college he had a 0.5 gpa, and he kept telling us all of his stories of him goin' to mexico and getting wasted throughout his first year of college. he was living off of his mom and seemed to be destined to fail. but then all of that changed for him.

his future wife tried real hard to help him get his shit together. she promised that she'd go to class with him and take notes for him. hell, she would go to class for him even when he wasn't there. that helped him change a bit...but it wasn't until the the day they had their first child that he realized he had to get his shit together.

it was at that point that his mom cut him off financially. "if you're man enough to have a child then you're man enough to make your own money." from there, he went back to school, graduated and even finished grad school. he did all this other shit because he had a family now. he told us of the old phrase, "behind every strong man is an even stronger woman."

that seemed rather mushy for me...but then he continued on saying a few years after his second child, his wife was killed in a car accident....at that point the entire classroom was dead silent. he then looked at the picture of his wife in his binder and said, "i was destined for failure but then she came along...i do everything for her now...she is my motivation...that's what all of you guys have to find...your motivation. i didn't think i had one but then i finally found it...and it was her...."

his story actually reminds me of me...i had a 0.25 gpa first quarter and i still lack the motivation to get straight A's and B's like i did back in saudi. i've gotta find that motivation again.

there's also been some other things that's happened this week...specifically, my april fools day prank on julie. well, it wasn't really the prank itself but rather the backlash afterwards. i find it real hard when my closest friends, even though they know it was all just a prank, start accusing me of being something that i'm not. that prank took a lot of it out of me and now all of a sudden, gay jokes don't seem so funny to me anymore.

because of all this, i'm making it official that i'm giving up on gay jokes. i'm also gonna cut back heavily on the perverted shit....its like i've been carrying the same immature 6th grade humor with me for the past 9 years. this probably explains why i have never been in a long term relationship...i could never joke around about anything other than perverted gay jokes.

but all of that's gonna change starting today. i'm 21 now. its time for me to start acting like it.